1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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