Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
