Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
