so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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