i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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