i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
