i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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