I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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