I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
no, he came in my armpit
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
