when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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