You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
