Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
