Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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