You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
