I molested 6 butterflies tonight
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
