so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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