somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
