wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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