I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
