Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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