Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
