Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize