Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
