I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
