My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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