I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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