garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
