Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
