I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
