Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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