I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
