I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
