dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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