I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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