sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
There's even glitter on my cock...
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