Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
