i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
