i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
