My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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