Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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