Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
