we have pet lesbian snakes
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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