I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
try to milk me bitch
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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