I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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