I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
time to smoke my breakfast
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
