1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize