the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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