in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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