I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
