so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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