Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
