i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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