.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
