i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
