She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
