grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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