I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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